Screaming and Crying

When I was a kid I made the brilliant decision to ride down a long hill on my bike, a hill that ended in a brick wall. Despite knowing that there was a wall down there, and knowing that I was riding one of those failure bikes where you have to back pedal to apply the "breaks" I went for it.

And now I'm in grad school. Anything is possible kids!

No, I didn't hit the wall. I actually bailed out seconds before impact. I say "bailed out", I actually mean that I "screamed and hurled myself left", landing directly on the concrete.

I still have a huge scar on my knee from that piece of childhood brilliance. It was also years before I got back onto a bicycle.

Just FYI... you CAN forget how to ride a bike...

At some point around this incident, probably while I was screaming and crying, somebody first spoke those classic words to me: 

"bones heal, pain is temporary, and chicks dig scars"

I don't think I got the full effect of that statement at the time, as I was screaming and crying, I think I thought it had something to do with baby chickens doing something with heel bones... but I did get a wicked scar out of the experience.

When you're a little kid, huge, epic scars are the SHIT. You get to brag about how you fell out of an airplane and landed on a pile of broken glass, all the eyes in the audience go super wide and somebody asks "did it hurt" and you get to go "pssht... no! It was so fun I might do it again" all while secretly hoping nobody finds the photo of you crying as your mom takes a splinter out of your finger. (AUGHHHH SPLINTERS HURT SO FUCKING MUCH!!!)

As I have gotten older, however, the epic scar stories have lost their edge. We have all heard so many of them! Fire ants on your face, 80% decapitation, I know... I know. Stories like that are no longer interesting!

Shark...yeah, got it... *YAWN*

Now that I am a jaded, grad student "adult", the best scar stories are the super innocuous ones, the ones that are epic exactly because they are NOT epic.

My most unbelievably, soul shatteringly AWESOME scar is a two millimeter white line on my left middle finger. What is it, you ask?

Mutha'

Fuckin'

HAMSTER BITE!!!!

BEEEE-WADDLY-WAAAAAAA!!!! - EPIC GUITAR SHREDDING SOUNDTRACK!!!

I am prouder of that hamster bite then any other scar on my body because, now that I am an adult, that scar rocks so fucking hard eagles screech and jets fly over every time I look at it (which has, in all fairness, gotten a little tiresome).

My girlfriend? She has a scar on her arm where an air conditioner fell on her *GUITAR SOLO* and another one where a piece of hot baked potato fell on her wrist and burned her (my fault... sorry), but, again, *GUITAR SOLO!!!!*

It is so interesting to me the stories that get more and more epic as we get older. Chicks dig scars? Yeah, they do! Awesome, bad-ass scars like the time you sneezed, tripped and dropped a pencil into your foot.

HARDCORE!