FCKNG AWSM3 P0ST

So for those of you wondering why the blog has been updating, well... nothing. The answer is that I recently moved from Philadelphia to Washington State. For those of you who failed, or refused to take, geography... that is a long-ass drive (long-ass is the technical term). 

Pennsylvania is on one side, Washington is on the other. Here is a map:

Who chose our country's color palette? No wonder other countries hate us... 

One advantage to driving that far is that you get to see the country. The lavender mountains majesty, the amber waves of... mauve? Robin's egg blue? Who DESIGNED this country!?

The other thing you see is cars, lots and lots of cars. Every one of those cars has a license plate. Most of those license plates are normal... some are not.

Vanity License Plates fall into two categories which, coincidentally, are the same two categories that describe jokes you tell when drunk: 

1 - Hilarious

or

2 - COMPLETELY UNINTELLIGIBLE!

I don't quite understand why people would pay money to have the back of their car say something... Don't get me wrong, things that say things are cool, but presentation is important.

Well, this is pretty self explanatory... or is it?

When expressing yourself on a license plate you have limited space, which means you can only say limited things. 

It is like commissioning a professional painter to do your portrait, but only letting them use the color fuchsia, and once they have drawn ten lines they have to stop. Sure, you MAY end up with something cool, but it is much more likely you will get the equivalent of a child's painting that wasn't quite up to "fridge door" standards.

It is either a deep meditation on the complexities of life... or a piece of shit. 

The one that really threw me was a plate that read "WNTON GOD". The way I see it, there are two options for that definition. Either the driver considers himself to be an Almighty dumpling maker (Wonton God), or he has given up on life so much that he considers his Almighty to be unnecessarily merciless and cruel (Wanton God).


There is a bit of a gulf between those definitions! This isn't like mistaking I Can't Believe it's not Butter! for Holy Shit! It's Butter! (ie: butter), these are significantly different readings for this license plate. 


Either you make tasty asian food, or you have been so beaten down by life that your only option was to express your belief in 8 letters or fewer on the back of your Dodge Durango. Middle ground, man, middle ground!


On the plus side, however, we were treated to something pretty great on our drive:

We found it! It took 90 hours, but we FOUND it!

The lesson here? Don't get a vanity plate, get a big neon sign on the back of your car that just reads "Anus".

Right? Classy!