Giant Pink Things!

Well it is Valentine's Day, this means one of two things:

"Hooray! Valentines Day! I love you. You love me? Yaaaay! Let's eat chocolate!"


"Fuck Valentine's day! It is all commercialized and fake and who cares! I don't have a significant other and I don't WANT one!"

I fall into that first category, (CHOCOLATE, AHHHHH!) but I can sympathize with the people who fall into the second category. My suggestion is chocolate, you should try it, it is great.


One of my favorite things about Valentines Day has to be the expectations that pop up as a result of it. When you have a holiday built around romantic love, it makes things a little less magical. When Christmas comes, it is highly unlikely that Jesus will actually fly in on a magical sleigh and deliver presents, so why not just drink eggnog and have a good time?

President's day? Unlikely that dead presidents will come back to life, so why not just drink Sam Adams and have a good time?

VALENTINES DAY? Completely possible you're going to get lucky. So DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO MAKE SURE THAT HAPPENS!

So how do you do that? Here are some options:

Giant Pink Things - no, not what you're thinking. I'm talking about presents that exist year round, but have been made huge and pink for this one day in February. Namely, Giant Pink Teddy Bears, Giant Pink boxes of chocolate, and Giant Pink flowers.

Now, I don't know WHY a giant pink teddy bear leads to sex, it seems like a multivariable equation and, since I almost failed pre-calculus, I'm not going to try to wrap my head around it. But I LOVE when I see a guy walking out of Target carrying a gigantic pink teddy bear with the look on his face saying "see this? See this fuckin' bear? Nobody else thought of this. Fuck yeah! Getting lucky tonight!"

Dinner out at a romantic restaurant - always a good option. Many restaurants offer special deals that are romantic. If you're NOT in a relationship, now would be a good time to find someone you don't have awkward feelings for and go out with them to revel in specially priced giant pink desserts.

Candy Hearts - these chalky little bastards used to say things like "I Love You" and "Kiss Me". But once the companies that make them realized that hip youngsters don't say those things anymore, these little hearts now bear phrases like "Text Me", "Let's Read" and "Can you pick me up tomorrow at 3:15 instead of 4?". Awww, how sweet.

There are also things you do NOT want to get for Valentines day. These range from those same chalky candy hearts, (they are the Janus of candy) all the way to divorce proceedings. But the best thing to not get for your significant other was suggested by the Michael's craft store:

Michael's recommends a craft project wherein you make a fake box of chocolates that has a chore list hidden underneath each "piece of candy". That way, not only do you get to give the love of your life the disappointment of NOT getting chocolate… you also get to give them chores to do. 

THUMBS UP, Michaels.

All in all, this is a time to either sit at home and curse the world, or go out and relax and have a good time. Just remember:

oh… THAT'S what I was supposed to do. Oh well, better luck next year.

Happy Valentine's Day.

1 comment:

  1. hi o,
    this is ali. the screenshot you attached at the end of the post does not show up...
    If this was what was supposed to be, i.e. if the invisible picture is a part of the joke, just disregard this message.


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