When Everything Attacks!

I was driving down the road from Spokane to Pullman the other day, having just returned from quite the wedding, when, suddenly... I saw a SIGN!

No, not a sign from God, but a sign... from the Washington State Department of Transportation!


In case you don't know, this is a rest area/picnic sign, a perfectly normal... wait a minute... Oh no... At first I didn't think anything of it, I had seen this sign before, but when I looked closer I noticed something terrifying!

What is that tree about to do to that picnic table... oh no!

That tree is totally about to fuck that picnic table OVER! It is seriously about to cold murder its ass!!! LOOK OUT PICNIC TABLE! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Ok, you either see it, or you're staring at me like I just pulled a live owl out of a backpack I had been wearing all day. Regardless, it got me thinking:

I wonder how often we are blissfully unaware of impending danger... In horror movies you always either know that the character on screen is about to be fifty-kinds of stabbed in the eye, or you spend the entire movie assuming that the character is about to be stabbed in the eye, and then, when you least expect it, they are (stabbed in the eye, that is).

In a horror movie the simple act of watching somebody get up and go to the bathroom at night is enough to send an entire theatre full of otherwise rationale adults into a blithering, frothy panic!

This, except with more crying 40 year old men

However, we all do it, most of us every night. I walk through my apartment without turning the light on with complete impunity.

Lets be honest, this only happens every now and then...

Halloween is coming in a few days and I have definitely been watching my fair share of horror movies. Maybe we are all so hyper-aware of how stabbed-in-the-eye the character is about to be because THEY are so blissfully unaware of it.

Perhaps that is why we are so quick to pee our pants and cry during movies, but so hesitant to do so in real life, because we see things in those movies, we actually notice stuff.

Even if it is the fact that we are not watching ourselves through somebody else's lens, I think it is about time people became more self aware! Whenever we see somebody get in a car in a horror movie we think "oh God! This is it! This is the end of days! That guy is gonna get his head chopped off my a rabid gopher or something!"

I personally don't go about my day in fear of rabid gophers, but I also probably don't notice enough stuff around me, important stuff.

Don't try to tell me big piles of candy aren't important!

The tree in the sign is probably not about to commit picnic-table-icide, but if this were a horror movie... he definitely would be, and we all would have noticed it!

Aren't we in constant danger all the time? Isn't it really only a matter of time before something happens?? Something like Michele Bachmann eating a radioactive spider, growing to be 500 feet tall and then proceeding to drain polar bears and non-idiots of their life energy?

Bachmann 2012! Oh... also she is a giant moth.

I think it is about time we became more aware of our surroundings... before shit actually gets serious!

*this post brought to you by: "Vote NO on being destroyed by a radioactive tea-party candidate in 2012"*

In all honesty though... the fuck is up with that tree? Was the artist drunk? Pine trees don't lean like that... unless they're out for revenge!


  1. Also, we need to watch the pictures that reporters take of us, because they show us our impending doom. And frankly, I need clarification. Is the giant moth just a giant moth, or did you look up insectasaurus from Monsters and Aliens?

  2. I don't know what insectasaurus is... The moth I featured is Mothra, of Godzilla/tea party 2012 fame.


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