Flaming Death

I will start this off by apologizing for the long hiatus between posts. I can't go into details on where I have been, but  do you remember that Alien Invasion that destroyed the world? No? You don't? Exactly… YOU'RE WELCOME!

Not THIS time Mother Fuckers!

Ahem… Well, getting right back into the swing of things:

Here in America we have a tradition of overreacting about everything. Video games are violent = we're all going to die. Other countries have different customs from us = we're all going to die. A politician named after a wang displays his wang? You guessed it… we're ALL going to DIE!

Those are the specific overreactions that deal with the specific problems… like rampant penises. However, as the years have gone by I have noticed a few general overreactions that seem to exist no matter what else is going on. There are many troubling examples of this, but few demonstrate the overall loss of our ability to handle our collective shit more than the Spicy Food Indicator Logo.

As recent as a few years ago, I remember going to restaurants and seeing the little image of a hot pepper printed next to certain dishes:

FEAR ME!

This was meant to indicate that that particular dish is spicy. That little pepper was basically a "keep out, death assured" sign for your taste buds!

Because FUCK YOU, that's why.

When you saw that little logo your mouth started to hurt just thinking about how spicy that dish would be. Anyone with half a brain avoided those like the plague, and the people who DID eat them had already been so scarred and injured to be impervious to pain, but also had become unrecognizable as human beings. Basically, when the menu said the shit was spicy, the shit was SPICY!

But now we have completely lost our taste for spicy foods. They way i assume they USED to determine if a dish required a little pepper logo was by feeding it to some unlucky person, probably a career criminal, and then observing the result. If the poor victim spontaneously combusted, melting quickly into a pile of smoldering, greasy flesh with one final dying wail, then that dish deserved a pepper logo. 

Flash forward to modern times, gone are the prisoned hardened men being ritualistically sacrificed to the jalapeño gods. I assume now they just take the dish and rub it vigorously into the cornea of a two week old baby, if the baby cries AT ALL they put a little spicy pepper logo by it, and then they STILL reduce some of the spiciness. 

He's still smiling... oh well, call it spicy any way.

So what does this mean for modern society? Well, our babies will probably have vision problems, but in addition to that it means we have started a campaign of freaking out and wimping out the likes of which hasn't been seen since Emperor Caligula (who, historians agree, was the wimpiest Roman Emperor) had a bee fly into his car while driving on the highway. 

Gravity is supposed to pull down, Sarah Palin is supposed to be stupid and spicy food is SUPPOSED to be spicy! The entire country of Thailand is laughing at us right now...

What else do we freak out about? I'll touch on this again, but I would love to hear from you what you think.

Good to be BACK!