Dress to Impress

In third grade I wanted to be a dinosaur.

I don't mean for Halloween, I actually wanted to be a dinosaur.

Unfortunately, once the school told me that I had to stop biting people and roaring in the middle of arts and crafts I was forced to settle for just being a dinosaur for Halloween .

Lucky for me, Jurassic Park had just been released, so the market was full of awesome dinosaur costumes! As I had waited until October 26th to decide on my costume, however, my only choice was a Velociraptor costume. Rather...  a Velociraptor head and claws.

But my head and my hands are intact... what do you mean you won't serve me!??

Lookout Behind You!!

Halloween is coming, don't look behind you... you never know when Watson is watching:

New post coming soon!! Enjoy some candy and a classic or two.

O.E.D. (Owen's English Dictionary) Entry #446

Perpetuastoned (per-pe-tua-stoned) noun?
A condition where an individual is either: A - constantly stoned, or B - always looks and acts really stoned

When Everything Attacks!

I was driving down the road from Spokane to Pullman the other day, having just returned from quite the wedding, when, suddenly... I saw a SIGN!

No, not a sign from God, but a sign... from the Washington State Department of Transportation!


In case you don't know, this is a rest area/picnic sign, a perfectly normal... wait a minute... Oh no... At first I didn't think anything of it, I had seen this sign before, but when I looked closer I noticed something terrifying!

Screaming and Crying

When I was a kid I made the brilliant decision to ride down a long hill on my bike, a hill that ended in a brick wall. Despite knowing that there was a wall down there, and knowing that I was riding one of those failure bikes where you have to back pedal to apply the "breaks" I went for it.

And now I'm in grad school. Anything is possible kids!

No, I didn't hit the wall. I actually bailed out seconds before impact. I say "bailed out", I actually mean that I "screamed and hurled myself left", landing directly on the concrete.

Never Forgive... Always Forget

Call it starry eyes, call it selective memory, call it stupidity, it doesn't matter what name it gets: we, as humans, have a depressing inability to remember, and learn from, our past mistakes.

The reason I bring it up is because of one recent infuriating night... the night I picked up the Monopoly board after years of separation.

What the fuck is it about Monopoly that keeps sucking us back into it's black pit of despair? No matter how many times we say NEVER AGAIN, the godforsaken, festering shit pile of an excuse of a family board game just shoots out a tentacle and pulls us back in.

They should drop the pretense and just put this on the box. 

There are only two Monopoly related questions that should be answered with a "Yes". They are:

Q - "Do you want to not play Monopoly right now?"
A - "Yes, I want to NOT play Monopoly right now."


Q - "Do you want to pour gasoline on Monopoly and light it on fire?"
A - "Yes... of course... always"

O.E.D. (Owen's English Dictionary) Entry #284

Prutellagasm (pru-tell-a-gasm) noun
The feeling of elation immediately following consumption of a pretzel covered in Nutella.
(see also: "Anything-gasm")