Never Forgive... Always Forget

Call it starry eyes, call it selective memory, call it stupidity, it doesn't matter what name it gets: we, as humans, have a depressing inability to remember, and learn from, our past mistakes.

The reason I bring it up is because of one recent infuriating night... the night I picked up the Monopoly board after years of separation.

What the fuck is it about Monopoly that keeps sucking us back into it's black pit of despair? No matter how many times we say NEVER AGAIN, the godforsaken, festering shit pile of an excuse of a family board game just shoots out a tentacle and pulls us back in.

They should drop the pretense and just put this on the box. 

There are only two Monopoly related questions that should be answered with a "Yes". They are:

Q - "Do you want to not play Monopoly right now?"
A - "Yes, I want to NOT play Monopoly right now."


Q - "Do you want to pour gasoline on Monopoly and light it on fire?"
A - "Yes... of course... always"

Those are the ONLY times when Monopoly is acceptable. I know this. You know this. WE ALL KNOW THIS, and yet we never listen!

Satan bought me this cigar because as a reward for punching over 1000 puppies in under five minutes! NEW RECORD!

This speaks to a much larger social issue, can we really not learn from our mistakes? 

Every Saturday morning that we wake up so hungover our brain is obviously hosting a polka festival and an elephant orgy at the same time we tell ourselves "never again".

Next Saturday the Polka Orgy (polkgy) rages again.
They won't stop playing "Roll out the Barrel!" or giving trunk-jobs!!

Every time we elect a moron and he/she/it ruins everything, we tell ourselves "never again".

Next year the Tea Party Movement still hasn't been pushed into a volcano.


Three days ago, after burning down an entire orphanage because I got a hint there was a Monopoly game inside, I think I figured it out. We HAVE to!

Sure Monopoly sucked every time before now, sure every army was defeated because they invaded Russia, but THIS TIME things will be different!

The Monopoly Man during his college/genocide days

It isn't stupidity, it is optimism! We keep getting thrown off the horse, lighting the horse on fire in a fit of rage, purchasing a new horse and then getting BACK ON because we can't have it any other way! 

So I commend you, humanity, for your bravery! And Parker Bros...

I'm coming for you.


  1. I was really expecting an underlying theme of The Lord of the Rings, I have to say I'm a bit disappointed.


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