Dress to Impress

In third grade I wanted to be a dinosaur.

I don't mean for Halloween, I actually wanted to be a dinosaur.

Unfortunately, once the school told me that I had to stop biting people and roaring in the middle of arts and crafts I was forced to settle for just being a dinosaur for Halloween .

Lucky for me, Jurassic Park had just been released, so the market was full of awesome dinosaur costumes! As I had waited until October 26th to decide on my costume, however, my only choice was a Velociraptor costume. Rather...  a Velociraptor head and claws.

But my head and my hands are intact... what do you mean you won't serve me!??

Of course I got the fucking costume, this was my chance! The problem was that the end result looked less like this:

and more like this:
Only much less color coordinated... and lacking MOST of the plaid.

The great thing about being a kid, however, is that I felt like a total badass! When I put on my rubber dinosaur mask and hands and donned the weird cotton outfit one of my parent's friends had from a dinosaur costume in the 80s I was less a child dressed up... then a GOD!

My mom wouldn't stop telling me how "adorable" I looked, but I still was able to maintain my cool.

As wonderful as Halloween is as a kid though, there is a definite period between childhood and adulthood where Halloween runs the risk of losing its fun.

Sure this is fun... but I can't help feeling like it could be MORE fun.

Whether Trick-or-Treating or going to parties, the magic of Halloween is dressing up and getting to feel like that total F-in' badass. As a kid you get to enjoy being a dinosaur, or something equivalent, and as an adult you get it enjoy the feeling of being something clever/slutty (or of achieving the ultimate Halloween goal: something clutty (clever/slutty( eww, "clutty" doesn't sound very good at all (yes those are parenthesis within parenthesis within parenthesis)))

When you're a kid, but not a little kid, you can't really go to parties worth going to, so you keep trying to Trick-or-Treat. The biggest problem is that Halloween is in October... October is cold.

Once you're no longer a kid running on pure energy/sugar, you actually have to wear a coat. Wearing a coat over your dinosaur costume just... well it just doesn't feel right.

And don't even get me started about the ascot I had to wear!

Eventually, after a few years of hearing "aren't you all a little old to be trick-or-treating?", the disillusionment sets in. Halloween becomes something uncool. Its like building a Lego set when your heart just isn't in it. Sure you could have fun, but it is much more likely you will run across the two pieces you need stuck together, and be unable to pry them apart.

This is how murder/suicides start.

Those years are the dark ones. You're a teenager. You can't Trick-or-Treat anymore, and everything sucks... for some reason. Teenagers in Halloween movies seem to have fun, but they also seem to get stabbed a lot... so you don't really have a whole lot of options.

Don't feel too bad for him, his last name is "Bacon"... mmmm, Bacon.

Fight through the sadness, my gangly teenage friends! Fight with all your heart. Why?

Because, luckily, after years of being left out of the Halloween spirit, you start getting to spend Halloween with something called "booze", and girls start wearing things called "costumes" and you get to eat "chocolate" (interpret that one how you will).

Sure, you may not be a bad-ass dinosaur any more... but you get to enjoy a whole new kind of Halloween magic:

How to Make "Halloween Magic"
1 - Take two parts alcohol
2 - Mix with three parts chocolate
3 - Drink

Happy Halloween everybody!!!

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  1. The trick here I believe is to cleverly incorporate a jacket INTO the costume: ie mad scientist (lab coat), FBI agent (trench), etc. That way you are warm AND a badass. Add as much plaid as your heart desires.

  2. Slever? Or is that not an okay option for clever/slutty? And I agree with Gracen, way to problem solve!


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