Orgasms, Asses, Puppies and Tea Pots

Crying children are annoying for all parties involved, including, I assume, the child itself. Even if that particular child hasn't had bland food rubbed into it's eye, he or she still packs an auditory wallop. 

In fact, the only way to make the sound of a child crying WORSE is to put that child onto a plane, and put yourself on that same plane... and what the hell, for good measure, have yourself sitting right next to the child, and give yourself... herpes? Yeah, herpes makes everything worse.

Even without the herpes, at this point you have a perfect storm of annoyances: the stress of flying, the cramped compartment and the sweaty people around you create an unholy allegiance much like if the ebola virus and the atom bomb had a mutant love child named Eboltom who blasts bad Hair Metal out of his car while slowly driving through the neighborhood.

... I was going to put a picture illustrating the above mental image... but that picture would just be horribly depressing, so to pull everyone out of a suicide spiral, we will take a brief detour to:
Now, back to the babies crying on planes. If you have flown more than once in your life you have probably experienced this. Even in the best of times, when you're in a great mood, it is annoying. 

I remember one time I was on my way across the atlantic. I was sitting in the second row of coach right next to a child screaming like its little life depended on it. After enduring about 30 minutes of wailing the flight attendant came back from First Class, leaned down and said to the mother:

"Ma'am, is there any way you could quiet your child? They can hear him crying in first class."

Excuse me... ja-what? Hey snooty first class stewardess (snooterdess, for short)... just because you and your wards get hot little towels doesn't mean you get to be hot little jackasses. You know who ELSE can hear that child crying, EVERYONE!

Go  wallow in your warm, soggy filth... 
But babies cry, this is an inevitability of life. After a while the warbling sob fades into the background and you can get on with your life. Children are tiny, they're confused, it isn't their fault. 

But at some point along the line, the vast majority of parents got it into their heads that the best way to stop their scared, confused, wet, hungry infant from crying is to go "SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
at a volume equivalent to the jets of the airplane itself over and over again until the baby shuts up.

A five month child does not know what "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" means!!! You don't sit there loudly quizzing the child on the history of English kings as a way to get him to shut up, why will repeating a horrible hissing noise serve to sooth him?

I get that "shhhhhhh" is the librarian's greatest weapon for quieting down unruly crowds, but they usually do it QUIETLY.
She WILL quiet you down... but you may get herpes.
So what is the rationale behind hissing violently at your child? If it won't calm him down, so the only result is the rest of the plane being treated to a looping soundtrack of wails and hisses. 

Perhaps the plan is to make a sound so loud and obnoxious you shame the baby into silence because he is embarrassed for the both of you. Or maybe the parents are attempting to drown out the child's noises like a set of snakelike Bose headphones. 

Parenthood... apparently
If we assume that the plan is to try to find some way to shut the baby up, then I would like to present a thought. Instead of hissing at the child like an angry tea pot, try screaming vaguely exciting words to attempt to drown out the infant. Next time your baby is crying just shout "ORGASM" in it's face, or try "BIG ASSES"!

Yelling either of these will have the same calming effect as a "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"(ie: none), but will at least give your fellow passengers a titter before they return to hating your for procreating months before your trans-atlantic flight.


  1. Haha, "snakelike Bose headphones." I have to agree, kids are pretty annoying. I think kids on planes should be required to be injected with sedatives before boarding.

  2. Hahaha...perfect. I completely agree about the "shhhhh..." Some lady at my church was doing that in front of me to her kid. Of course it didn't work. The kid thought she was playing a game, and every time she loudly hissed, the little girl would giggle and make a louder noise! So who's the crazy one? The kid or the mom?!


Share your innermost feelings here: