O.E.D. (Owen's English Dictionary) Entry #446



Perpetuastoned (per-pe-tua-stoned) noun?
A condition where an individual is either: A - constantly stoned, or B - always looks and acts really stoned

When Everything Attacks!


I was driving down the road from Spokane to Pullman the other day, having just returned from quite the wedding, when, suddenly... I saw a SIGN!

No, not a sign from God, but a sign... from the Washington State Department of Transportation!

Observe:



In case you don't know, this is a rest area/picnic sign, a perfectly normal... wait a minute... Oh no... At first I didn't think anything of it, I had seen this sign before, but when I looked closer I noticed something terrifying!

Screaming and Crying


When I was a kid I made the brilliant decision to ride down a long hill on my bike, a hill that ended in a brick wall. Despite knowing that there was a wall down there, and knowing that I was riding one of those failure bikes where you have to back pedal to apply the "breaks" I went for it.

And now I'm in grad school. Anything is possible kids!

No, I didn't hit the wall. I actually bailed out seconds before impact. I say "bailed out", I actually mean that I "screamed and hurled myself left", landing directly on the concrete.

Never Forgive... Always Forget



Call it starry eyes, call it selective memory, call it stupidity, it doesn't matter what name it gets: we, as humans, have a depressing inability to remember, and learn from, our past mistakes.

The reason I bring it up is because of one recent infuriating night... the night I picked up the Monopoly board after years of separation.

What the fuck is it about Monopoly that keeps sucking us back into it's black pit of despair? No matter how many times we say NEVER AGAIN, the godforsaken, festering shit pile of an excuse of a family board game just shoots out a tentacle and pulls us back in.

They should drop the pretense and just put this on the box. 

There are only two Monopoly related questions that should be answered with a "Yes". They are:

Q - "Do you want to not play Monopoly right now?"
A - "Yes, I want to NOT play Monopoly right now."

and

Q - "Do you want to pour gasoline on Monopoly and light it on fire?"
A - "Yes... of course... always"

O.E.D. (Owen's English Dictionary) Entry #284



Prutellagasm (pru-tell-a-gasm) noun
The feeling of elation immediately following consumption of a pretzel covered in Nutella.
(see also: "Anything-gasm")



FCKNG AWSM3 P0ST


So for those of you wondering why the blog has been updating, well... nothing. The answer is that I recently moved from Philadelphia to Washington State. For those of you who failed, or refused to take, geography... that is a long-ass drive (long-ass is the technical term). 

Pennsylvania is on one side, Washington is on the other. Here is a map:

Who chose our country's color palette? No wonder other countries hate us... 

One advantage to driving that far is that you get to see the country. The lavender mountains majesty, the amber waves of... mauve? Robin's egg blue? Who DESIGNED this country!?

The other thing you see is cars, lots and lots of cars. Every one of those cars has a license plate. Most of those license plates are normal... some are not.

Vanity License Plates fall into two categories which, coincidentally, are the same two categories that describe jokes you tell when drunk: 

1 - Hilarious

or

2 - COMPLETELY UNINTELLIGIBLE!

I don't quite understand why people would pay money to have the back of their car say something... Don't get me wrong, things that say things are cool, but presentation is important.

Well, this is pretty self explanatory... or is it?

When the Assman Testifies!

Maybe I do this because I like to write, but sometimes, when I am bored, I find myself describing what is going on around me as though I am narrating a book.

Am I the only one to do this? Am I weird? I mean, I know I am weird, but are other people weird like this too?

I'll give an example. I work at a company that specializes in people dressing up in colonial era costumes and providing entertainment to Philadelphia tourists. I don't engage in the dress up, (they do make me wear a polo though... rrrrr), but I spend my day in the company of silly looking men and women.

This... but somehow sillier.

So the other day, when I was sitting around waiting for one of our programs to start, I found myself again narrating my surroundings. The problem? Once I started narrating I realized exactly what was going on around me: