Pissed about Pissin'

The act of peeing is a charged subject.

Now, I don't mean that peeing creates electricity, because if it did… BOOM, energy crisis over, for the love of God somebody call Al Gore! What I actually mean is that peeing, like many bodily functions that result in something firing wildly out of a person at high speed, is something that can cause other people who happen to be in the vicinity of said ejection, discomfort.

As a result, there are a few ground-rules in modern society that accompany Tinkle time.

Women, frankly, have it easy when it comes to peeing, just like with everything else. When women go to the bathroom indoors they are constantly protected by plastic walls, queens of their own tiny little urinary fiefdoms. It is men who have a hard time. 

Now, anyone who has every been to a sporting event or movie theatre will testify that men actually have it easy, based on the length of the waiting line, and while it is true that it is a more simplified process for men to actually saddle up and pee, there is something that stands in the way of the pleasurability of urinals.

Other men.

As a man, I can testify that walking into an empty bathroom, striding confidently up to the urinal like John Wayne himself, and letting fly… well it's great. It's quick and easy and you feel fantastic. The real issue comes form other people being in the bathroom with you.

Urinal encounters, the everyday ones, fall into a few categories based on the people you meet while facing the bathroom wall. I have illustrated some below:

The Chatty Cathy - some men just assume that, because you're forced to stand shoulder to shoulder while holding on to your own penis, that enters you both into some sort of brotherhood. They see peeing next to another man as a sacred rite and that, since you are so close in proximity, you must be close emotionally. There is nothing worse than suddenly being forced into conversation while you're draining the old wine-skin. It's not like you can just walk away! You are locked into the conversation for the duration of your bladder's capacity.

It's impossible even to be rude, say, by ignoring the other person completely. That is because, unlike normal conversation, the Chatty fellow doesn't require you to respond to any of his talk in order to keep going. If you were standing next to someone at a party and talking to them, but they were neither responding nor even LOOKING in your direction, you may get the point that conversation is not their goal.

Imagine being at that party and noticing one man talking at the side of another man's head while the other man ignored him completely while holding onto his exposed wang... Well... (damn you all go to weird parties)... but if you saw that, despite the freaky parties you apparently like to attend, it would be awkward, right? Exactly!

But when urinals are involved, that basic tenant of conversation goes away. Urinals end up provide a forum for the game of conversational solitaire, something that can be played by these talkative folk without feeling in the least bit awkward.

However, the Chatty Cathy is only the first rung in the ladder of urinary conversationalists. While it is awful to have to talk to a complete stranger, voices raised to compete with the stuttering rattle of urine hitting the porcelain, it is even more of a castrophe to meet:

The Emotional Connector - this man is less interested in conversation about sports, and more interested in making a best friend for life. It is one thing to talk while staring straight ahead, but knowing that the man next to you is patiently waiting to make eye-contact… we've hit uncomfortable factor five, prepare for warp speed.

Sir, I know that we are now both members of the ancient brotherhood of piss-fellows, but that does not mean that I want to gaze into the deep pools of your eyes… and if you don't stop asking for the secret handshake I will be forced to yell "I need an adult!"

The Groaner - We've all been there: the movie was so good there was no way short of the fucking APOCALYPSE that you were going to leave your seat, but as a result, the pipes have backed up to such a degree that you slosh when you walk. When you finally get the chance to empty the vessel, it really does feel so good, but, come on, there is no reason to express that pleasure in the form of a guttural "URRURURHHGHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA" echoing around the public restroom.

Frankly, if I needed an injured water buffalo bellowing beside me, I would go to Africa, shoot one, approach it, set up a folding chair and wait patiently, ergo, I don't need your help. Shut your damn trap.

Up until just a few days ago I probably wouldn't have included this next person into the list, because I had never actually encountered him. I had heard legends of this veritable Yeti of the bathroom, a water closet cryptid if you will, but I had never met one in the wild. I'm speaking, of course, of:

The Jealous Old Pisser - Just the other day I went into the bathroom to find an elderly man standing in front of the urinal. I went to the other available toilet and began my work. In the time it took me to unzip, relieve, and reseal, this guy had barely gotten started. I walked away to wash my hands when suddenly I heard him yell from over my shoulder. "Enjoy that healthy damn prostate while you can!"

I was shocked, I mean… to be honest, I do enjoy my healthy prostate… but its not like I'm waving it in his face or anything, (haha... ummm). It's not my fault I'm functioning normally, I don't think there is any reason to get testy.

Unfortunately I don't have the solution to this problem. It's not like I mind peeing in public, or even talking while doing so, but there is a timeline here that has to be followed. The story goes: "meet - befriend - talk while peeing", not the other way around.

Even King Arthur or Jesus, both of whom loved everybody, probably wouldn't have wanted you talking to them while they was peeing. Think about that, men... please?