Dial-a-Whore

Cell phones have a built in ability to tell you when you're doing something you shouldn't be doing. For example: texting and other activities. The cellphone will randomly throw in words and phrases you would never use as a way to deter you from focusing on other things while texting.

"I don't know why I texted you asking if you wanted to eat at the "candy coated sparkle garden" tonight! I was walking while texting! It's not my fault!"

Similarly, the phone warns you when someone calls and it doesn't think you should answer, it does this by saying "blocked ID" on the caller ID. When that happens… common sense says to ignore.

But I had received about 6 "Blocked IDs" in the last two days, so when another one came through, I decided I needed to answer.

If ONLY I had known...

"Hello?" I said.

aaaand... Silence! Why didn't I listen to you, oh wise cell phone!? This can't be good!

"Who's this?" a gruff, southern accent grates into my ear?

"Who is this?" I immediately asked of the voice… my subtext being: "Hey! You called ME, fuckwad!"

More silence. 

"Ok," I ask, attempting to resolve a conversation quickly spiralling into regret and anger. "Who were you trying to reach?" Now, when I asked this question, I wasn't expecting anything wacky, I was expecting to hear "um… mark, is he there?" or "tony's pizza", you know, something normal.

But it wasn't going to be that sort of day, I suppose.

After another brief silence, he finally asks: "Is this Jada… from the escort service?"

Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa… stop. 

Backpedal.

The Escort service?

… like… for reals? Did some horny guy just call my phone expecting to hear a throaty female moan "hello big boy" and instead he got me? Ewwww. That explains the gruffness from the beginning, I guess, but… well I still have some questions here.

Questions like… ESCORT SERVICE?

Immediately my mind started racing. I naturally assumed that I had been identity thefted and my phone number had been sold to a Peruvian drug cartel. Either that or my prank-prone brother in law was SERIOUSLY messing with me. My girlfriend, however, told me to calm down and entered my cell phone number into google.

Turns out Jada's phone number shares the first six numbers of mine, and Nicole's shares the last four, Jada and Nicole's names happen to be right next to each other in the escort service database.

Yes, there is an escort service database. When the aliens land and want proof of our advanced civilization they will be THRILLED to discover we do, in fact, have a fully functioning ESCORT. SERVICE. DATABASE! A national repository of names and numbers that serve no other purpose except to provide awkward, regret-inducing sex.

The other fascinating thing to take away from this, aside from the fact that there is hookerbase.com, is that my girlfriend was able to find this service with ONE web search. God bless the internet, I guess. It can cause the problem, but it can also resolve it.

It was a simple mistype of the phone number. I guess when you're entering Jada's phone number with one hand occupied… ahem... it can make things a little difficult.

I kinda feel bad for this guy though. Like, had it been a sneaky telemarketer I would have been pissed and would have had no problem with them being buried under… well not under something that would kill them, just cause them discomfort, like a big pile of moist styrofoam cups! But this guy just made an innocent, albeit gross, mistake and ended up with me instead of his high (low? medium?) class whore.

It's like getting a text message from a blocked number, (Ie. one that you can't text back to) that says "Louis, I need you to pick me up from jail tonight, not tomorrow - From Stephanie"… oops, sorry Stephanie, looks like Louis is going to be a little late. When the stuff is important, you gotta check that you've got the right number.

In the backstory for this event that I put together in my mind, this guy has spent his entire life working up the courage to call this escort service and in one phone call I shattered a life's work of confidence building and effort. I kinda feel bad.

Next time I answer a Blocked ID call though I'm totally answering "Jada speaking" in my deepest, most masculine voice.