Archetypes of Infuriation (part 1)

I definitely don't want to come off as whiney, which is a little hard since the whole point of this blog is to whine and complain and bitch, bitch, bitch. Hopefully, though, I am able to do it in a way that is entertaining and not just pitiful. 

But lets be honest, people don't just annoy me, they probably annoy you too. I feel like even the World's greatest Buddhist still gets pissed off when he gets in the 10 items or less line and the guy in front of him has 20 items. He may be free of the desire to beat the holy shit out of the guy, but there still has to be a twinge of anger, doesn't there? I think so. So I have decided to dedicate this section to those people who piss me off, piss you off and probably piss, if not the Dalai Lama himself, then at least his most trusted advisor, off.

Directions Demander - 

So everyone is going out tonight, the location has been agreed upon, the time has been set. I'm excited, right? Then, about 10 hours before the event, I get a call, or an e-mail, or a text message. "Can you give me directions?" the message asks, innocently enough. I'm so excited I don't even blink twice, I know where we're going, so why not fill in this person, that way everybody can come and the best possible time can be had.

But after I reply… another message comes in. "Wait… that wasn't quite clear."

So I make it clear, no problem.

The message comes again. Then again. Then again. Each time asking for more and more specific directions. It gets to the point that I'm describing the pathway one electron must take as it jumps from molecule to molecule on its way from the person's house to the fucking restaurant.

You want to know how to get to the restaurant we're going? Sure, I'll give you directions: Turn left from your phone and travel east to www.Google.com!

Professor Everything - 

Did you know that you don't know everything? I mean, if you know everything, shouldn't you know that you don't know everything!? This isn't Brave New World; I wasn't given an alcohol treatment after week seventeen, shut the hell up!

Hyperbole Breaker - 

I KNOW that the place I'm talking about is not literally the greatest place ever. Thanks for pointing that out!

Turning Entitled - 

This one really pissed me off the other day. If you have never experienced it, consider yourself blessed.

 If you have experienced it… RRRARHSAHHGGGGHGHDIAH!!! Right??

My wonderful and much more patient girlfriend was driving us back from a very pleasant jaunt to the local coffee establishment. We pulled into the only turn lane, and resigned ourselves to the inherent traffic that accompanies turning right in Philadelphia. After waiting for a while in the line we notice a car has pulled up to our left. Now, there is a relatively long line of traffic behind us, but not more than one light cycle, (in other words, everyone lined up would easily make the turn) but this car has pulled up next to us, about three cars from the front, despite the fact that there is nobody in front of him in his lane. 

The strange thing is: this car does not have their turn signal on, nor are they positioned in a way to indicate that they are trying to nose into our lane, they are simply stopped in the lane next to us. My girlfriend, again being wonderful, waves her hand and indicates to this person that they are free to move into the space in front of her, but they make no move, no turn signal. 

The light changes and my girlfriend's foot leaves the break pedal when, out of nowhere, the car next to us LAYS ON THE HORN. A solid 5 seconds of honking before roaring off in front of us after my girlfriend slammed back on the breaks due mostly to shock.

Just because you are in PROXIMITY to people who are turning does not mean that it is your God given right to join them. This is why we have tickets to special events. If you show up at the Super Bowl, wait until you get close to the front of the line to get in and then just bellow like a stabbed walrus for 5 seconds, that doesn't mean that you have earned the right to attend the game with all the paying customers! You have to purchase a ticket, not just heedlessly scream at random people until someone lets you in. Nowhere does the Bill of Rights indicate that this action is allowed, I have checked! It says nothing about cars or walrus bellows AT ALL! If you missed the turn lane then put on a turn signal and hope somebody isn't as much as an asshole as you are.

Ending Lane Waiter - 

This one is not worse then the Turning Entitled, but it is much more common. Here we all are, tooling along on I95 or something, when suddenly we see construction ahead. Everyone knows the highway is merging down to one lane in a half mile, but instead of being nice and getting over early and allowing everyone to move through the area quickly something happens in the brains of certain people. It is like some sort of secret KGB conditioning program aimed at destabilizing the United States populace. The Russians took a bunch of people and taught them that, whenever they see:

It is like permission to SUCK!

their prime directive is to remain in the ending lane for as long as physically possible then try to squeeze in at the very last moment and make everyone else wait. If an MRI was being taken of this person's head while speeding by all the nice, sensible people it would show extreme activity in the douchebag center of the brain…

Hey asshole! Did you know that we're all traveling on the highway too? You do realize that we are all trying to get somewhere? If your child is ACTIVELY FORCING its way out of your wife's birth canal and she is screaming and you are screaming and the angels themselves are screaming then that MIGHT make this ok, until this happens though, fuck off.

Fucking commies… you lost! Give us back our highways!

So that’s all the entries I have for today. If you have any suggestions for other Archetypes of Infuriation let me know in the comments and we can work towards making this a better world for everyone (except the driving jerks).