I'm well aware that I appear to spend all of my time here making fun of other people, but that is an incorrect observation, ("all" is a little extreme, isn't it?). What I am actually doing is making fun of myself, and the insanity behind these particular interactions that I choose to highlight. But it doesn't explain why these interactions happen, and more importantly, why they happen to me.
So I decided it was time for a little soul searching. What makes me such a madness magnet? My charming personality, my roguish good looks, my flawless hair? Yes, those are all parts of the reason, but there has to be something deeper down. I don't know what that is exactly, but we're going to figure it out together. "Why DO I hate everybody" will be an ongoing section devoted to finding out the real reason why everybody brings their crazy to me.
So here we go:
I am not going to criticize my parents here, so nobody expect that at all, I owe my parents more than I could probably ever repay, but everybody makes mistakes. Unfortunately some of those mistakes irrevocably damage me in noticeable ways: as I will illustrate here.
When I was younger my mom thought it would be a good idea to show me a great little movie, something that nobody could possibly have any problems with, a Disney movie after all. The movie is called "Darby O'Gill and the Little People". If you know the film, then you know the horror that lies within. For the rest of you, prepare to be enlightened: "Darby O'Gill" is a 1959 romp through the fair green hills of Ireland, complete with cute little leprechaun kings, an endearing old blue collar father and… oh yeah, a FUCKING BANSHEE!!
This movie is literally the most terrifying thing ever conceived by humanity itself. Here's an idea: lets trick little kids into watching this cute, family friendly movie and then, about halfway through, lets introduce the most frightening thing imaginable: a horrifying ghost that comes out of the darkness screaming and crying with the most soul shattering voice and drags you into death. Hey, that sounds like a great idea!
You don't believe me do you? Ok, I'll show you about how this goes down:
"Oh, hello. I'm Darby O'Gill. I'm a kindly old groundskeeper who has always tried to catch Leprechauns. Oh Look! I made friends with the Leprechaun king!
"Whee! This is so fun, now I'm friends with all the Leprechauns, I'll trick them and earn myself some wishes (because thats how it works apparently), this is so fun, we're all dancing!"
"Oh look! A wild Sean Connery appeared! He's Scottish, but little kids don't know the difference. My daughter loves him and he is a good guy, so everything will be great and they'll get married! Hooray!"
"Here they are together, aren't they happy!?"
"Whats that? My daughter fell off a horse because she got mad when she found I got fired from my job but didn't tell her because I didn't want her to worry? And she rode out to see me and fell off? But she's ok, right? I mean... it is Disney."
"HOLY FUCK! IT'S A BANSHEE! THE HORRIBLE CREATURE THAT TAKES PEOPLE TO THE LAND OF THE DEAD HERE TO TAKE MY DAUGHTER AWAY FROM ME! OH NOOOO"
"AUGH! Why are you getting closer to me, screaming and holding out your spectral fingers!?! Is it because I don't want my daughter to DIE so I volunteered to DIE MYSELF instead!? Because THAT'S WHAT I DID IN THE MOVIE! AUGHHHHHH"
AUGHHHHHHHHHHHH.... oh... sorry...
So, as far as I know, that is how the movie ends, with Darby volunteering himself to be carted off by the Queen of all that is awful, because I never made it to the finale. Notice the "never" in that sentence? Was this movie shown to me once? No.
Well... maybe. Honestly, I don't remember how many times I've seen this movie, but I remember the "keep trying" attitude going along with the "AUGH!!!!! A BANSHEE!!!!!" result.
Once again, in case you didn't pick up on this already... ahem... a banshee:
JESUS CHRIST IN A PAPER BASKET!!! THAT'S HORRIFYING!!
So, what have we learned from this soul searching? Well, A: we've learned my mom thinks I can overcome any obstacle, and B: I can't. Also we've learned that Banshees are the scariest things in the world.
Well this explains my horrible fear of caped, skull faced people and my natural distrust of especially tiny kings and Sean Connery, but does this offer any insight into my eccentricities outside of that?
Probably. I mean... look at that thing... how couldn't it?