So I have already mentioned that everybody naturally assumes that I am their best friend. As infuriating as this is, it really isn't anything I can put a stop to as there is no way that I can make myself look unappealing enough to everybody. Sure, I could spike my hair and dye my eyebrows orange and that would probably stop certain people from talking to me, but it would also tell another group of people that I am a prime target for their nonsensical ramblings.
But just being approached by people is nothing compared to the times when they want something out of me, namely… my money.
Money is not something I am going to toss around, no matter how good an argument you make, if you are standing in close proximity to me and we are not in a store, I am not looking to make a purchase, as a standing rule. It all began on the bus. Now, before you assume that I just have some crazy vendetta against the Philly bus system, (I do) I want you to know that not all the freaks and jerks I will be extolling on the site were found on public transportation. It just so happened that the crazy idiot was able to corner me, in this case, while my ass was unfortunately glued to the little plastic seat.
"Oh GOD!!! What!?" I think in a chorus of a billion angry voices exploding from every one of my wee little mitochondria. If you had been sitting close enough to me you could have heard the frustration jetting out of my very pores.
"You want to buy a necklace?" He smiles, exposing a tiny gold chain, the kind you would find in your trashcan after you had thrown it away.
"No thanks, I don't have any money."
"How much do you have?"
Its like some bizarre game where I am able to answer his questions before he even answers them!
"None. I don't carry cash." I reply.
"I'll give it to ya for 20 bucks."
Wha… how… do you swipe credit cards?
"I don't have…"
"Don't worry," he smiles greedily. "I won't be losing any money, I stole it."
YES! I have always wanted to purchase a stollen gold-shit-chain from a stranger on the bus! "Dear Diary… DREAMS REALIZED, DESIRES ACCOMPLISHED!"
Up until today I was under the impression that this was a one time thing, that I had just happened to luck upon the one saint who was generous enough to sell stuff he stole for a low, low price until I met his brother, this time not on the bus.
Minutes away from a blessed lunch break some guy wanders into my work, (how he arrived there I will never know) looking like he needs help, so I smile and ask what I can do for him. He walks over to me pulling out his cell phone where he loads a photograph of a single dusty glass Coke bottle.
"Anyone in this office want to buy an old coke bottle?" he asks before patiently awaiting the "dear lord, yes!" answer he was expecting. Its like someone walking up to you and crying out "Look! I found a dirty old baseball! It can be yours if the price is right" (which actually happened to me… funnily enough).
"I don't think so." I replied.
"Well you guys deal with historic stuff right? This is an historic coke bottle."
He found the lost Coke Bottle of Turin!?
"Ok, I don't think anyone here will buy that though. We mostly deal with the Colonial era and, we mostly deal with tours."
"Oh," he sighs. "Well, can anyone in the office tell me what they think this would be worth?"
I dunno man… ask the guy on the bus.